Some of the findings across the board, however, are below. There are certain biases and prejudices that fat women experience that become unique expressions of oppression at the intersections of race, disability, queerness, genderqueerness, and class. I know that chasing after thinness makes me miserable. This is not healthy, and I don’t like doing it, but it’s difficult to stop without support. However, when I am shunned or made to feel othered, I binge on food and then throw up in shame. When I feel I am a part of a community, I take care of myself. I look cool.”Īnd that’s a powerful feeling that I should get to have more often. I see myself standing there on powerful legs with my barrel chest and stomach, holding a shotgun in a hoodie just like mine, and I think, “Damn. I find myself grinning foolishly at my avatar taking a motorcycle and zipping down the center line. I am excited to take screenshots and try on different outfits. It wasn’t just about not confronting my body, but about being accosted with an Ideal Kiva who would finally be Good Enough to be a hero. The old telltale signs, my eating disorder of binge/purging and avoiding mirrors, flared up.

Playing my thinner version of Kiva left me feeling dysmorphic it felt like hating my body, hating myself. The more I’ve thought about it, however, the more I’ve come to realize that it is a problem. There was also a lingering sense of self-doubt. The game had been touted for its body diversity, and I had been looking forward to making myself. What are some of the thoughts and feelings that went through my head when I couldn’t create my body in Saints Row 4? Surprise, mostly. Not only can you create an obese criminal kingpin, but gender is a slider instead of having to pick from binary options as is the case in Saints Row 3 and 4. Saints Row 2 has one of the greatest character creators ever made fight me. It also doesn’t mean that my body type should be entirely erased from games. What was especially strange about it was that two games ago, in Saints Row 2, I could craft my perfect doppelgänger, outfit her in track pants and a black hoodie, and go on a rampage. Here’s the thing, though: My obesity doesn’t mean I deserve less respect, agency, or control over my own life. I’ve been obese since my depression started in high school, and once there, it’s hard to get back out again. This was my experience with the character creator in Saints Row 4. The body, however, just wasn’t fat enough.

It had the color of my eyes and the shape of them. It has been republished here with permission. This piece was originally published on Medium.

Saint row 4 character creation